I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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