Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
