How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
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Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
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Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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