If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
