Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
