Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
