I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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