i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
