I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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