it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
