I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Sext me about skeletons
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
