Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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