i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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