i wish peter jackson would direct porn
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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