I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just googled if crying burns calories
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
