woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
