I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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