even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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