i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
