you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
