haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Randomize
