I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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