let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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