Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
