doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
