I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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