girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
