I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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