I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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