Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
