I think scott just propositioned me for sex
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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