The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
