Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
