the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.