And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
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On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
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I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.