Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
