all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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