I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Verdict: uncircumcised.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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