he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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