I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
