theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
