It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
