i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
