What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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