M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
