Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
