she looked like the before picture.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
