you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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