My Higher Power is John Stamos
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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