my phone needs a breathalizer
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
