i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
