Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
